May 2018, Glamour Magazine

I have a confession to make that will come at the detriment of my feminist credentials: I can blissfully ignore the pay gap, happily pretending that it doesn’t affect me. As a freelancer, if I’m not getting paid, it’s probably my own fault, not the Patriarchy’s. And though it has been pointed out that this is both problematic and untrue, the wage difference that really bothers me isn’t the one in my professional life. It’s the one that exists in some of my closest relationships.

I’m talking about the friendship pay gap: the financial disparity between my friends’ salaries and my own (let’s call it ‘irregular’) income. We discuss our deepest issues, but not our finances. So it lies there, unacknowledged but undeniable, every time we make plans. I’m Rachel with the side salad.

It’s not just us. As psychologist Mamta Saha said, “Money’s not talked about. It’s quite crass to discuss how much you’re earning.”

She explained the taboo’s rooted in our culture and has seen it come up in both her professional and personal lives. “Money relates to status, so subconsciously, it may be an issue for people to talk about, because they may feel that someone’s better than them, or they’re better than somebody else. Nobody likes to feel inferior or make other people feel patronised or intimidated in a situation.”

It’s a problem freelancer Steph recognises: “I feel more uncomfortable telling friends who I know don’t have to stress about something like a dinner out or a pedicure, or something that probably isn’t that expensive to most people. I think it’s a pride thing: I don’t want them to pity me.”

I asked others about this and though at first they would just shrug and say they didn’t mind admitting when they were broke, they’d then remember the times they’d felt pushed into spending money they didn’t have, or concealed their finances. Other women contacted me agreeing: the problem’s there; we’re just not talking about it.

Pippa earns more than some of her friends and this has caused tension, too. “It’s difficult to discuss money with them because they always make out like I have no money worries, but actually, I allocate my money really carefully to make sure that I’m living my best life.”

“I’d never tell my friends that sometimes I drop a grand on clothes. How do you tell your friends that when they don’t want to pay for a cleaner?” Another woman told me. “Road tripping in upstate New York, I wanted to stay in the hippie chic barn conversion with outdoor bath, but because of my friend’s budget, we ended up on a haunted farm.”

Perhaps we don’t want to talk about it because it sounds ridiculous to admit that friendship can be affected by our bank accounts. Apply that to your love life and Kanye West will write a song about it. It’s equally hard to acknowledge when you’re in different places in your lives and that that can cause problems, too.

Different circumstances can be as awkward as different interests and if you aren’t willing to compromise, that can be damaging. I can’t always keep up with my more affluent friends, but I don’t want to be left behind.

Jade has been on both sides. “I feel really conscious now that I don’t want to be the person who makes other people uncomfortable. But equally, I want to enjoy myself; it’s a fine line and a constantly sliding scale.”

Ignoring the problem feels counterintuitive, but the solution isn’t as simple as starting a conversation, either, as Mamta said: ‘You have to think sometimes, is it worth having a conversation if you’re going to make somebody feel bad about their status, or how much they have or don’t have? I think if people can share openly, there is a lot of strength in that, but they have to manage the repercussions.’”

That doesn’t mean we have to start picking our mates by income bracket. But it might be something we need to be sensitive to if we want to make our relationships work.