July 2015, Half an Orange

Gwyneth Paltrow; Reese Witherspoon; Jessica Alba; Blake Lively: memorise these names for these are the celebrities that know better than us. If my word alone isn’t good enough for you, you can tell by the fact that they all have lifestyle websites telling us how to live. Even Lena Dunham has a newsletter now and, as we all know, she’s the voice of a generation, so it must be true.

Naturally in the past, these websites have come under fire from people who don’t name their kids Apple or Dairy Free and who believe steaming is for green veg and— maybe at a push—spas, not your vagina. These people, though, are the uninitiated proletariat who clearly don’t realise that celebrities are famous for a reason. This is where we are all going so very, very wrong: these lifestyle websites are not passé fads as you might have thought. These are the new purveyors of knowledge.

Let’s take Reese Witherspoon’s offering. The casual observer may look at draperjames.com and be deafened by their own screams over the sheer amount of gingham that immediately hits you in the eye upon clicking the link. What that observer would fail to notice though, so taken aback by the cutesy font and slideshow of floral prints as they would be, is that this is the premier authority on Southern heritage and the exacting principles of graciousness and indeed etiquette. Plus, a darling colour scheme. Outdated hoo-ha completely irrelevant to modern life, you say? Shut up: you’re probably not famous, thus know nothing.

And then there’s the ruling queen of all the lesser, vying princesses: Goop. The website that in the past has decreed that the collective knowledge of the universe can be reached through our dreams, proffered a charming (and hopelessly ironic) lesson on narcissism and offers lessons on yawning. Or to go to its latest offering: bags with dead rappers’ names on them. Where else are you going to get a glittery clutch bag immortalising Tupac and Biggie Smalls for $1,700 other than Goop? And indeed, what better way is there to immortalise the dead rappers than with a sparkly clutch from the depths of Goop itself: really, the last word on hip hop, artists and the correct memorabilia. This is a woman that knows what she’s talking about. Who realises that “being a movie star mum is harder than a 9-5 job.” And if the words of an over privileged, ultra thin white woman aren’t relevant to every other person on this planet, so help me God, this isn’t a planet I want to live on anymore.

So let’s stop the incessant hate that sees us decree these websites as little more (or no more at all) than shrines to these celebrities’ already all encompassing egos and celebrate them for what they are: educational outlets through which we may better ourselves and benefit from their wise wisdom. And anyone who says otherwise never married Chris Martin, so what do they even know?