February 12 2014, Spindle Magazine

“I hate you so much right now.”

Ah words, sweet, sweet words. How often you are inspired at this time of year. Rising up in my chest like bile, which is also there. Why, the very force of hate that I channel practically causes my hair to spring up in tight coils of rage like Kelis’ own.

Ah yes, you have seen me through some tough Valentine’s, words, there for me when the rage blackout silenced all other, lesser, expressions of anger. I thought of you when I was gifted the backless thong. You crossed my mind at the microwave meal followed by Deal or No Deal Valentine’s date— I might have shaken a feisty fist at Noel Edmonds’ face at one point: “I wore the BACKLESS THONG for this!”. And, sadly, I have even tearily mouthed you at my teenage thighs: surely the only thing stopping me from smugly marching around school holding a bunch of red roses that had suddenly become perma-glued to my hands, like all the pretty girls. I don’t want to talk about it; don’t look at me.

Seven simple words: “I hate you so much right now”. Words that we have all surely screamed at one point, or at least, felt like doing, which is why Kelis’ Caught Out There is the best of the anti-V Day anthem out there. It’s simple; it’s mouthy; it has a parade of women stomping down the street waving angry placards and mouthing the lyrics, gobbily in the video. And we don’t get enough of gobbiness these days. It of course has other words in it, even some important themes of empowerment— if you count her rather dead looking boyfriend lying on the floor in the video as one, which I tend to. But all we really need to focus on are those seven words of lusty anger, which are there for us when we need them most, to express our deepest of hate-fuelled emotions. And if we’re not up to the task, we always have Kelis to do it for us.

So thank you, words, for being there.